Everyone’s talking about boundaries today. Your friends, social media, therapists, celebrities - everyone! If you’ve ever been told “you need to have better boundaries” and found yourself thinking “Yeah, but what does that actually look like?” you’re not alone. This kind of advice about better boundaries is thrown around a lot today, but very few people actually know what healthy boundaries look like.
For many people, boundaries aren't something that were ever taught. In fact, if you’ve experienced trauma, lived in unpredictable relationships, come from a culturally diverse background, or grown up feeling responsible for other people's emotions, having clear boundaries may not have felt safe.
What are boundaries:
Boundaries are the limits you set for yourself based on your values and to protect your wellbeing. It helps define to others what you are comfortable with and what you are not. Having healthy boundaries can make relationships safer and sustainable.
What boundaries are not:
Sometimes people misunderstand what boundaries are and think it is about telling others what to do. Boundaries are not about policing or controlling other people’s behaviours.
What do healthy boundaries sound like:
I’m not available to talk right now, but I’ll call you tomorrow.
I won’t be answering emails after 5 p.m.
I am not comfortable talking about that.
I am no longer going to respond to your texts or calls.
I’m going to end this conversation if you use abusive language again.
What healthy boundaries are not:
I need you to stop texting or calling me.
You need to stop talking to other men/women.
You can’t wear that outfit because it embarrasses me.
As you can see from the above examples, healthy boundaries are about communicating what you will and won’t do, and then following through on that.
How do I know my boundaries:
Setting boundaries means paying attention to yourself and knowing what you want. Notice if you are feeling resentful, overwhelmed or taken for granted. This might be an indication that boundaries are needed.
If you have learned that saying no leads to conflict, rejection, guilt or danger, you might end up putting others’ needs before yours because it’s helped you get through difficult situations in the past. Pleasing others has been adaptive for you.
From an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy perspective, boundaries would be about creating a space to live in ways that matter to you. Instead of asking, "How do I avoid upsetting someone?" you might begin asking, "What action fits with the kind of person I want to be?"
Sometimes that might mean saying yes to something while sometimes, it might mean no. Setting healthy boundaries is not rigid across all situations but rather, about adapting to the context within which you find yourself.
Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable:
If you’re not used to setting boundaries, remember it can bring up anxiety, guilt or fear. Your mind might tell you you’re being selfish or letting others down. None of this means you are doing something wrong. Rather, it’s something new and unfamiliar to you.
ACT encourages you to make room for those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings without letting them dictate what you do. You can begin to take small steps towards the life and relationships you want.
In therapy, you can learn how to do this more rather than learning a script. Healthy boundaries can grow through practice, self-awareness and kindness towards yourself. Over time, they can help create relationships where you don't have to choose between caring for others and caring for yourself.